Next Door

If only we had real policemen...

There are some things you just can’t hide from people.  Many times, we think that we have others figured out only to be shown how wrong we are.  This is especially true for judgements we reserve for relationships that we are not a part of.

Other times, our observations are spot-on and we need to stop attempting to be p.c. and glossing things over.

In other words, my neighbors are assholes.

I have tried what those rosy, oh-so-not-in-tune-with-reality commercials have suggested…talking to them.  Haha, you are funny AFN.  How about you make a commercial about how to talk to people who are completely fucking insane!!!  I can imagine what it would be like.  It would start out with a woman, really overdoing the expressions, sitting down reading a book (like, Chicken Soup for the Soul, because real people sit around and read that during the day) and trying to concentrate.  You hear a banging noise and the hum of a bass in the background.  Then the woman finches and tries to cover her ears.  Because we all know that is what people do when they have loud neighbors…they even eventually have the capacity to evolve two extra hands so the other ones can constantly stay attached to their heads.  After this, the woman goes over to talk to her neighbor and ask them to keep it down.  Maybe she was even prompted by the special low-budget military public service announcement commercial to do so.  That would be the icing on the cake.

So the woman steps over her manicured lawn to go knock on the neighbor’s door, and a middle-aged man opens it up.  His wife is hovering in the background and you know there is going to be trouble because she has already started that head-snapping thing some chicks feel the need to do when they are mad.  Maybe it’s a way of avoiding your fist when you eventually have had enough of it and resolve to punch them.  Who knows.

But the man opens the door and says “Hello.” 

The woman who was irritated by the noise says “Hello.  I am sorry to bother you.  I feel bad about this, but my house is full of noise and I wanted to ask you if you might be able to do something about that.” 

Actually, her house has been full of noise constantly, since the day she moved in, but the commercial can’t show that.  Then again, maybe it would.  Like a full-on montage of this woman trying to read the entire series of Chicken Soup for the Soul and covering her ears at the same time. 

The man shrugs.  “Oh fucking well.  Honey, come here and look at this woman.  Isn’t she a piece of work?”

The woman walks to the door, trying to stay balanced despite her constant neck snapping.  “Yeah, she is.  Why don’t you move?  Or maybe you could consider making some friends so you could appreciate being social.  Because we are social people and like being loud.  If you don’t like it, then call the movers baby.”

The woman leaves and goes to the kitchen, probably to ice her neck.  The irritated neighbor stands there in astonishment.

Then the words flash across the screen:

When you have taken our advice and realized the world is not full of roses and sunshine, first of all: welcome to being a grown-up.  I am sorry you had to learn in such a hard way.

(violin music begins)

You don’t have normal neighbors.  You have PWACFI.  People Who Are Completely Fucking Insane.  We suggest you follow these rules in dealing with them, and reserve the right to contact anyone only for emergencies because it will only egg PWACFI’s on.

(the screen goes blank and the orchestra chimes in, while a charming female announcer begins to read the rules)

Rule #1:  Don’t Respond If You Can Help It

In this situation, there is literally nothing you can do.  You must accept that you have been chosen by fate to live next to PWACFI, and ignore them.  In this situation, the neighbor must simply hang her head in defeat and walk away.  nothing she can say will get through to the PWACFI. 

Rule # 2:  Pretend To Be A PWACFI, or PTBAPWACFI.

If rule number one has failed, you must resort to PTBAPWACFI.  We suggest you try a variation of the bitch-neck-snap demonstrated by the PWACFI neighbor, changing it to a neck twitch.  An unruly eye twitch tends to work well.  It may also help to refer or even speak to “imaginary friends” instead of the PWACFI.  If you choose to go this route, remember that it does not count if your “imaginary friends” are making threats against the PWACFI.  PWACFI tend to be immune to things like rules, so if you pretend to be one, you can use this to your advantage.

Rule # 3:  Ebay Sells Soundproofing.

It is not that expensive.

The commercial would end with the four-armed woman peacefully reading a book with egg-carton soundproofing all over her wall and a housing inspector knocking on her door with a citation for illegally installing soundproofing.  Then, an evil laugh would sound out, and the screen would go blank.